Flashback

I wrote this a few years ago and have posted it on almost every blog I have ever started. So my dear hypothetical readers I hope you enjoy this.

Why do things change? Why does the innocence of childhood fade? Why can't everyone stay that way? Retain the wide eyed expression that the world is a wonderful place. Maybe then the world would be a wonderful place. Maybe then there wouldn't need to be childish innocence. Then the people who do maintain that innocence, who can actually see the world as the glorious place of wonder and adventure. Maybe they would live a better life. No more naive, no more called disabled for some reason or another. They would be seen for the gift that they possess. The gift to look at a summer day and see the heat waves as something beautiful, the way a child does when staring out a car window on a long drive. To walk outside and see the world around them as a place full of adventure. To see the trees as something other then scenory on the way to the mall. Or the place where the annoying bird likes to nest. To hear beauty in that birds song. To see the world the same way you did when you ran around as a child but now with the understanding eyes of an adult. Eyes that not only have the innocence for a day of play and adventure but understanding of time.
Being an adult. That seems to be the problem. The thing that causes so much change. When you go from spending a day in a tree fort, or in a tent of blankets on the living room floor. To having your life dictated by acceptable behavior. By dress codes, and deadlines. To no longer have it be acceptable to run around the yard barefoot sword fighting with a stick you picked up from a near by tree. To have forgotten how to enjoy the grass between your toes and the shifting of the dirt beneath your feet. . To have forgotten the fact that you only have a short amount of time to enjoy the wonder around you. To take the time to watch a catipillar crawl across a leaf becuase the colors a pretty or the movement amuses you.
Why must growing up involve losing so much that should be held dear? Why does it seem like the only acceptable way to return to that joy, is to have children of your own? To have an excuse to return to that state of innocence, that the heart longs. for.
Why must growing up involve losing so much?

As I said I wrote the above a few years ago but it still seems so true. I was walking with Lizz today and we were talking about the fact that it would be nice if you could take small vacations and go back to being 5. Go back to being able to run around the front yard. We were with her 4 year old niece and we walked by a house twice (once on the way to where we were going and again on the way back). Both times she paused to point out the pumpkins. Later we were in her brothers kitchen and this same niece had me and her dear auntie Lizz jumping up and down and quacking like ducks. I miss being that small and finding the joy in things like that and not feeling like a complete idiot for doing something like that.

So my dead hypothetical readers I end with this. Growing up sucks. Yes we must age and progress through our time on this earth. Yes we must gain some responsibility. My wish is that you also retain the ability to occasionally through caution to the wind and just act like a child again. If nothing else you'll get a smile and a laugh out of it and that is a treasure in itself.

With that I am off to...well do something I guess.

Jes

From the ashes a fire shall be woken.

Why is it that when everything seems to be getting better it all takes a turn for the worse?

I know life is a roller coaster. It will spin you, flip you, raise you up, and then drop you down. There are times however when I really wish I could get off the ride. Just stop the train and let me off at the top of the hill.

Some already know the events of the last 24 hours. However I'm not ready or honestly able to get the words out to convey them on here. I will say this. What has happened as really thrown a new perspective of things into my life.

In the past 24 hours I have cried (hysterically), felt loved unconditionally, thought I was let down and then realized that I wasn't, and found more shoulders waiting for me to cry on them then I ever thought there would be. Thank you to all of my friends who were there for me.

I also owe an apology to The Elusive Mr. D. (my rant from previous posts). I misjudged you and have been shown that I was mistaken. I am sorry that you were the one I went off on. You were amazing though.

Well my dear hypothetical readers I believe that I all I can really write for now. There will be more to come once I am able to process it all.

Off to the comforting arms of those who care.

Jes

Everything will be ok in the end, if it's not ok it's not the end.

This is for Lizz, since she yelled at me for my very vague and confuzzling last post.

I did a very highschoolish rant a couple of posts ago. I'm hoping this won't turn out to be a repeat of that. If it does I'm extremely sorry my dear hypothetical readers.

I like this guy. If you couldn't guess by the picture. No I'm not even close to thinking the particular L-word in there though. I like him a lot but things are still to uncertain for me to be ready for that word any time soon.

I can't talk to this guy about how I feel for him, which also means that I can't as him how he feels for me. Any time I have managed to come even close I wind up babbling rather incoherently for about half an hour and sound like a complete idiot.

Well today he was apparently having a "shitty" day. When I asked him what was wrong he wouldn't tell me. This behavior is becoming a rather unwanted trend with him. I can completely understand if he doesn't want to talk about it at the time. All I would ask, if I could dredge up the guts to talk to him, would be that he find a slightly nicer way to phrase it then " a lot never mind" or "stuff". Now if he follows with the usual trend I will find out what was wrong the next time I see him. While that does ease the blow slightly it doesn't change the fact that his casual brush off does hurt.

It drives in my desire to just sit him down and tell him that I would like it if he would stop this "game". I have no idea if his intentions are to play with my heart or if I am just missing something. If he wants to be just friends I have no problems with that, however if he would like to be more I just wish he would act like this is more.

Well Lizz now you know why I went off on a rant. My anger was not completely directed at him. There was a lot of tension at home today. I think it may be because my father leaves for Pennsylvania again tomorrow. What ever the reason my parents and I spent the vast majority of the day in opposite corners of the house so there would be no blow ups. That added considerably to my aggitation today.

I, my dear hypothetical reader, am off to rest my back before subjecting it to more torture tomorrow.

Until next time

Jes

Game

Simple and to the point.

I am done with the game.

Explination to come at a later time.

Confessions of a Craftaholic

I feel I must be on the brink of insanity, or I have a terrible case of cabin fever. 6 weeks off of work may sound like a good idea in theory, and if it was for a different reason it probably would have been. However being off of work because you hurt your wrist makes it a little less enjoyable. Having a cast on your arm that immobilizes your thumb makes you sympathize with the animals in your life.

This has been my life since the 24th of August. I have succeeded in driving my friends atleast slightly insane with my almost constant desire to be anywhere but my house. I love my family and we do have an extremely comfy couch and a nice sized TV here, but I can not stand being stuck at home. I was stupidly ready to drug up on painkillers and head back to work on the 25th. Foolish since I couldn't really lift any weight at all with my left hand and had a doctors order to back it up. I'm terribly and stupidly stubborn when it comes to this subject. I may know that I am only a mere weak mortal but I get these sudden flashes that I may be able to accomplish things despite current or previous injuries.

Now you may wonder what all this has to do with crafting. Prior to my injury I would come home from work @ 10:30, gotta love 2nd shift, and work on a current project (quilting, knitting, crocheting, ect) for a couple of hours before bed. Since my injury I have set up a table in my living room, to the surprising approval of my mother, and have been at it almost constantly. I have finished a pretty and rather big quilt. I am half way through two other and I just finished the set up for a third. I would talk about my knitting and crocheting endeavors but they were severly limited by the lack of a thumb.



My "Cast Quilt" as it's become known was actually a design I've done before but I altered it and made it my own. The problem it turned out to be a little on the huge side.



The reason I'm questioning my sanity though is due to my newest project. It is by far the hardest and most time consuming endeavor I have ever attempted. I have spent atleast 15 hours on it so far and have barely scratched the surface on what needs to be done. Most of those 15 hours were spent bending over a table. Now for those of you whose minds just went dirty dirty places, yes I mean you Lizz, I would like to state that if it had been for those reasons not only would I not be posting it on here I would be complaining about it a lot less. Those 15 hours were spent tracing a pattern and then cutting it out. The results of the time and pain are, I must say, very promising.

The end result is a stained glass effect. My next step is to start cutting out the black areas one by one and replacing them with various fabrics to. It will I imagine take me the next few months if not years. That is assuming it doesn't cause me to end up in a lovely padded room before then.

Off to the wonderful realm of dream land I go.

Jes

And in This Ring a Juggling Act!

First let me start with, YAY I got my cast off and SHIT my wrist hurts.

Now my friend Lauren is always telling me that I juggle the men in my life. In this she has been fairly accurate, and if I must say so myself I do it rather well. Now enter this guy and suddenly I don't want to juggle the guys in my life. In fact I would happily give up all the guys in my life if he wanted me to. Now you might be wondering what the problem is. First let me start by filling you in on the history. I met him about 3 years ago at a highschool football game. Our schools were playing each other. We've talked on and off in that time and we also do what I call "Our Dance". We start talking and messing around alittle bit and then we part ways. Well this time it has lasted much longer and is more.....I guess serious will work.

Now to the problem. I can not figure out what is going on between us. I know how it apprears. From all appearances we seem to be dating. We hold hands, we kiss, we call each other baby. When I asked him though he said not yet. Granted this was about a month ago but you get the idea.

Normally this wouldn't bother me. I've always either known or not cared. Which usually leads to the guy juggling. This time I just want to know. For some reason I have to know and it's driving me insane. Add to it the fact that I can't talk to people about my thoughts/ feelings to save my life. All I want to ask him is if there is a chance that this is leading to us being together. Every time I get the chance I freeze up though.

I'm probably overthinking things and I know I'm definatly being obsessive. I can't help it with him though.

Ok enough of that rant.

In other news I got my cast off on wednesday. Yay I have a thumb again. Three more weeks off of work though. My boss was not thrilled about that. She really wants me back at work and apparently someone else does since they called me to come in for day shift tomorrow. No ignoring the fact that I flat out refuse to work day shirt there, I actually can't work until the doctor clears me. Unfortunatly that won't happen till I get cleared by therapy.

Now that I have finish my highschoolish rant and small update I think I will be done.

Good night everyone.