To new beginings

My dear hypothetical readers.

I have been slacking off. But I've had my hands, thoughts and a vast variety of other things going on since the start of 2011. The Elusive Mr. D. is no more. Which I'm happy to say has turned out to be a wonderful thing for me. I have returned to school and am doing moderately well. I have found out once again that there are people in this world I can truely count on. There are even more of them then I thought there would be. I am back home which is a joy a relief and a horror all rolled up into one huge package.

That is all for now
Jes

Forever

I know it's been forever since I've writen. I'm now living with the Elusive Mr. D and we are doing wonderfully. We have two amazing cats and recently took in a stray that we are trying to find a home for. I've been working and struggling to get used to being out on my own. At least away from my parents. I miss being home but I've been managing some how.

Been doing some soul searching. Trying to find out who I am and what makes me happy.

Well dear readers. That is all for now. I will try to catch you all up later.

Last on the list.

I feel like I should be used to this by now. Everyone wants me around when it's to their advantage. When it's not I seem to drop off the map and wind up last on the list. I should be used to it, but I'm honestly not. It still hurts as much now as it did when I first realized it was happening. There's only one exception.

Well I'm off
Jes

Time well spent!

My dear hypothetical readers I feel I owe you an apology. I have not been updating recently because I have been spending most of my free time, and even time that's not. With The Elusive Mr. D. I have to say things have been going reasonably well too. More on that later though.

That is all

Jes

Flashback

I wrote this a few years ago and have posted it on almost every blog I have ever started. So my dear hypothetical readers I hope you enjoy this.

Why do things change? Why does the innocence of childhood fade? Why can't everyone stay that way? Retain the wide eyed expression that the world is a wonderful place. Maybe then the world would be a wonderful place. Maybe then there wouldn't need to be childish innocence. Then the people who do maintain that innocence, who can actually see the world as the glorious place of wonder and adventure. Maybe they would live a better life. No more naive, no more called disabled for some reason or another. They would be seen for the gift that they possess. The gift to look at a summer day and see the heat waves as something beautiful, the way a child does when staring out a car window on a long drive. To walk outside and see the world around them as a place full of adventure. To see the trees as something other then scenory on the way to the mall. Or the place where the annoying bird likes to nest. To hear beauty in that birds song. To see the world the same way you did when you ran around as a child but now with the understanding eyes of an adult. Eyes that not only have the innocence for a day of play and adventure but understanding of time.
Being an adult. That seems to be the problem. The thing that causes so much change. When you go from spending a day in a tree fort, or in a tent of blankets on the living room floor. To having your life dictated by acceptable behavior. By dress codes, and deadlines. To no longer have it be acceptable to run around the yard barefoot sword fighting with a stick you picked up from a near by tree. To have forgotten how to enjoy the grass between your toes and the shifting of the dirt beneath your feet. . To have forgotten the fact that you only have a short amount of time to enjoy the wonder around you. To take the time to watch a catipillar crawl across a leaf becuase the colors a pretty or the movement amuses you.
Why must growing up involve losing so much that should be held dear? Why does it seem like the only acceptable way to return to that joy, is to have children of your own? To have an excuse to return to that state of innocence, that the heart longs. for.
Why must growing up involve losing so much?

As I said I wrote the above a few years ago but it still seems so true. I was walking with Lizz today and we were talking about the fact that it would be nice if you could take small vacations and go back to being 5. Go back to being able to run around the front yard. We were with her 4 year old niece and we walked by a house twice (once on the way to where we were going and again on the way back). Both times she paused to point out the pumpkins. Later we were in her brothers kitchen and this same niece had me and her dear auntie Lizz jumping up and down and quacking like ducks. I miss being that small and finding the joy in things like that and not feeling like a complete idiot for doing something like that.

So my dead hypothetical readers I end with this. Growing up sucks. Yes we must age and progress through our time on this earth. Yes we must gain some responsibility. My wish is that you also retain the ability to occasionally through caution to the wind and just act like a child again. If nothing else you'll get a smile and a laugh out of it and that is a treasure in itself.

With that I am off to...well do something I guess.

Jes

From the ashes a fire shall be woken.

Why is it that when everything seems to be getting better it all takes a turn for the worse?

I know life is a roller coaster. It will spin you, flip you, raise you up, and then drop you down. There are times however when I really wish I could get off the ride. Just stop the train and let me off at the top of the hill.

Some already know the events of the last 24 hours. However I'm not ready or honestly able to get the words out to convey them on here. I will say this. What has happened as really thrown a new perspective of things into my life.

In the past 24 hours I have cried (hysterically), felt loved unconditionally, thought I was let down and then realized that I wasn't, and found more shoulders waiting for me to cry on them then I ever thought there would be. Thank you to all of my friends who were there for me.

I also owe an apology to The Elusive Mr. D. (my rant from previous posts). I misjudged you and have been shown that I was mistaken. I am sorry that you were the one I went off on. You were amazing though.

Well my dear hypothetical readers I believe that I all I can really write for now. There will be more to come once I am able to process it all.

Off to the comforting arms of those who care.

Jes

Everything will be ok in the end, if it's not ok it's not the end.

This is for Lizz, since she yelled at me for my very vague and confuzzling last post.

I did a very highschoolish rant a couple of posts ago. I'm hoping this won't turn out to be a repeat of that. If it does I'm extremely sorry my dear hypothetical readers.

I like this guy. If you couldn't guess by the picture. No I'm not even close to thinking the particular L-word in there though. I like him a lot but things are still to uncertain for me to be ready for that word any time soon.

I can't talk to this guy about how I feel for him, which also means that I can't as him how he feels for me. Any time I have managed to come even close I wind up babbling rather incoherently for about half an hour and sound like a complete idiot.

Well today he was apparently having a "shitty" day. When I asked him what was wrong he wouldn't tell me. This behavior is becoming a rather unwanted trend with him. I can completely understand if he doesn't want to talk about it at the time. All I would ask, if I could dredge up the guts to talk to him, would be that he find a slightly nicer way to phrase it then " a lot never mind" or "stuff". Now if he follows with the usual trend I will find out what was wrong the next time I see him. While that does ease the blow slightly it doesn't change the fact that his casual brush off does hurt.

It drives in my desire to just sit him down and tell him that I would like it if he would stop this "game". I have no idea if his intentions are to play with my heart or if I am just missing something. If he wants to be just friends I have no problems with that, however if he would like to be more I just wish he would act like this is more.

Well Lizz now you know why I went off on a rant. My anger was not completely directed at him. There was a lot of tension at home today. I think it may be because my father leaves for Pennsylvania again tomorrow. What ever the reason my parents and I spent the vast majority of the day in opposite corners of the house so there would be no blow ups. That added considerably to my aggitation today.

I, my dear hypothetical reader, am off to rest my back before subjecting it to more torture tomorrow.

Until next time

Jes